Our Parents Had it Easy

That's right I said our parents had it E-A-S-Y!!!!  At least as far as stalking us was concerned.  When we were aged 12-14 and they wanted to know what we were doing they could look for our diaries... dig through school bags for notes, or maybe even pick up another phone in the house and listen to our calls.  Remember when your phone lived on a table and not in your pocket?  They could keep us off the phone just by using it themselves.  Meanwhile here I am keeping tabs on the almost 12 year old in this house that I knew was up to more than she was allowed.  What does this involve?  Lots of investigations through emails/ Internet History/ Texts/ cell Phones etc.  Too many texts that say "message me on my iPod" or "Email Me" hinted that I was missing something.  The cell phone she has is through a kid safe company.  Time restrictions, number restrictions, ability to block photo messages etc.  But no one can keep up with the App developers!!  They just keep on developing.  Hell half of them are probably under 15 years old.  So there's an app to text, an app to fake text, and an app to change the icons of your apps that do those things I just mentioned.  These kids find ways around everything anyways.  "Mom Can I make an account on Quizlalaland?  You know it's run by that popular kid's TV network and you can make quizzes and people can answer."  "Sure you can honey, sounds fun!"   "Oh wait... There are messaging capabilities, social networking and photo sharing on this too?"  Yeah there is.  Of course there is.  Guess what?  That is everywhere.  How in the heck do we teach kids who are curious and intelligent to hold back?  Stay young.  You don't need to tell that super cute boy (he must be cute, his name is HotBoy1998) that you are tall and skinny and in the 9th grade.  You are ELEVEN... Go play jump rope or color a picture of a Unicorn.  It must be tempting to be someone you aren't when it seems like there is a whole entire world of teenagers that you just cannot wait to be a part of.  But it's really no rush.  You will blink your eyes daughter and suddenly YOU will be an adult with far too many responsibilities.   Someone please tell me how to get my kid into a bubble and away from all things techy...Except of course when we need technology which is about 80 % of the hours in the day it seems.  In fact I am glad I found "What happens when you put dry ice in the microwave?" in her internet search history and not in an aftermath in my kitchen...

World's Smallest Two Wheelers AKA Balance Bikes

      It's a sad fact that my 9 year old cannot ride a two-wheeler.  He would rather walk or ride a scooter than even try.  This go round, with the little one, we bought something called a balance bike.  It doesn't have training wheels.  The premise is that they can just walk while sitting on the bike and eventually they will run and lift up their feet.  I am pretty sure that is a stretch of what will actually happen but the bike is adorable just the same.  We actually got it about 6 months ago but he was too small for it.  Now we have reached the point that he can get on and off he just cannot pick it up from laying down.  He walks about 10 steps and then stages an accident.  Really?  Yes... There is no shortage of theatrics in this house I tell ya!  It takes him longer to stage the fall than it did to get to the scene of the crime.  It cracks me up every time.  If I don't respond he does it again. In the same spot.  Only louder this time.  

Steps to turning the dreaded R.P.E.

This palatal expander just might kill me.  And it isn't even on ME.  Knowing in my head that it is separating the bone in the middle of the palate, well that just makes it sickening.  If you find yourself the parent of a child who is being tortured by one, here are the steps to turning it.
Step 1.  Get some wine, or xanax or maybe both... and calm the frick down because it is insanely difficult to turn when you are freaking out.
Step 2.  Have your child lay on something with their head back and if you can stand behind them.  Maybe install a professional dentist chair in your kitchen.
Step 3.  Find a way to make the child unconscious because the whining about you turning it and their fear is going to make this suck worse... (If you get this step down please let me know how)
Step 4.  Get real light! A bright lamp, maybe one of those coal mining head lamps would work, because the Eco Bulbs that are saving the energy are doing so because they suck donkey butt and don't actually light up the room.
Step 5.  Try not to gag or throw up on your kid's head when you find small pieces of food stuck in the darned thing.
Step 6.  Find the hole and turn it back... do not go only 3/4 of the way and then stab your kid in the lip accidentally trying to do it again.  Because I did that and it was not productive.
Step 7.  When you finally get it all the way back find a magical way to remove it so that you don't turn it back towards you just enough that now you cannot access the next hole or the old one without maybe coming in through the back of your child's head.
Step 8.  Send upset kid to bed, lock yourself in the bathroom and cry your darned eyes out. Then realize there are people with bigger problems or who have to do things like give their kids shots every day or live in a hospital.  Then cry some more because you feel like an ass.
Step 9. Call the orthodontist and tell them you will be in AGAIN in the morning because now you have no idea how to turn it tomorrow...
rinse& repeat in 24 hours.  Here... key up to 1:02 to watch this professional show you just how easy it isn't to do on a kid...  then imagine you are at home and the kid is yours.

Medeival Torture Devices For Children

They call it an expander... it sounds harmless and like a great idea at the time.  Then you see one.  And you know that your son who cries when his socks don't fit or swears he needs underwear 2 sizes to big will never ever adjust to the thing.  Rapid Palatal Expander is what it is actually called and the middle one got one today.  I talked with the orthodontist first.  I explained that he has issues with some things, that he is more sensitive than some... He assured me this was the best option and if it doesn't work we can take it out.  Today he got it put on and... oh my aching heart!!  I hate hate hate this for him.  His gums and cheeks and tongue are hurting and scraping from the newness of it.  It is causing an overproduction of saliva and well since your tongue is normally touching the roof of your mouth wen you swallow he is also having a hard time swallowing.  So he is lisping, in pain and scared.  They showed me how to turn it and when he got nervous I instantly said, "No Way not going to do it."  They assured me it will not be that hard and he can adjust to it 1st and we can begin turning it tomorrow night.  This is one of those things that I am having to fight every urge to run to the orthodontist in the morning and tell them to take the frigging thing out STAT!!!  Here's hoping tomorrow is 50% better and I can get the nerve to turn the damned thing....

Honey I Broke the Baby and other calls you don't want on vacation

Mommy guilt... here it is folks.  You know you deserve a little time away.  You know your family will actually be better off because you will be happier having had a little you time.  But yet, all you get is guilt and worry.  Offset by a few hours of festivities of course.  I had a weekend away in Denver with one of my very best friends.  No kids, No housecleaning, No laundry!  I was ready for cooler temps and pretty mountains.  Sleeping in and having some drinks in the evening.  It didn't exactly go as planned.  No sooner had I landed and was trying to get a rental car when I get a call from my husband. "Where is the car seat I need to bring the baby to the ER his hand got closed in the door on the hinge side and may be broken."   Ummmm WHAT!?   The guy at the Budget counter who was trying to sell me additional insurance I didn't need got the glare of death as I had this conversation on the phone.  Luckily he caught on that it may be important and waited.  Turns out after an ER trip and x-rays it was not broken (PHEW!) He is doing ok now but this is NOT how you start that relaxing mom get away. 
The very next morning I am woken by the phone at 6 am (8 am at home) because the babysitter has gone M.I.A.  She was supposed to arrive at 8 am that day so hubby could work and apparently she had an operator error with her alarm.  Pissed off stressed out husband + missing baby sitter + mom on the other side of the country = NOT a relaxing morning...  She eventually showed up but this now means no more of these trips while she is supposed to be the relief pitcher.  That is for sure!!!!
I did squeeze in some drinks, some fun, some more drinks and a little sleep though, and then I flew home and landed in a panic smack in the middle of a tropical storm... Yeah because this is how my life goes...   

LIttle One Hits the Water AKA Mom's has a panic attack every 2 minutes.

Oh little boy why are you so fearless?  I am pretty sure this is the question many a mom has asked.  I am no different now.  The older two just were not like this.  I didn't find them squeezing themselves into a dollhouse, or under a stool.  I didn't witness them standing on the kitchen table trying to get the chandelier!  But this guy, he is a daredevil.  And he thinks he is a Navy Seal in training.  He adores the water.  He goes in laughing and smiles with full on smiles under the water.  The problem is he is just now learning to swim.  But yet he thinks he can just jump in and grab the nearest person or object.  Hello.  Does he know I am obsessively worried about kids and water?  Does he know we live in the drowning capital of the U.S??? Apparently not.  He is taking swimming lessons and I am about to double up on them at least until he can float (rest) and get clear across the pool.  Until that time I will have to drink heavily.  Yesterday he was putting on quite a show.  Throwing his hands up in the air like a bear about to attack.  With a big "Cat with the Canary" Grin he belly flops off the stairs and swims a good 2 feet.  :)   Aye Caramba.  I say. "You sir are a maniac!"  His response? "yes! I amazing-ac"  Lord help me....  Enjoy the video 

Another Day Another Craft

I have a bit of a craft addiction.  OK bit is in correct, it's more like a truckload.  Currently I am trying to learn to knit.  It is not going as well as I would hope.  As in I cannot even make one row.  So in the mean time I work on something I actually can make well so that I can feel like I did something with a start and an END that day.  Dishes/ Laundry/ cleaning; they never ever end.  I needed a quick project that was crafty in nature that someone appreciated.  Ya know?  I decided to make another sensory box.  I love making sensory bins for the little one.  Originally I made them because he is what they call "tactile defensive." Basically he doesn't want to touch things that are squishy, or slimy etc.  So he also has a super limited diet because he won't eat most textures.  Supposedly these would entice him to play with a variety of textures.  The boxes are generally themed and have a base of beans or rice or similar.  Lately the little one has been all about outer space.  Rockets, (especially Disney's Little Einsteins), Saturn, Stars and the like.  So I made an outer space box.  he LOVES it.  He grabs the stars and says "YES! a staaaarrrrrr."  He picks up little C3PO and says "Hi. I a robot."  It gets me a good 10 - 15 minutes of quiet time.  Down here in muggy 90 degree Florida we summer hibernate anyhow and this is a good indoor game.  Better indoors because the last time he played it on the lanai some beans "escaped." And then it poured, and they actually sprouted LOL.  Science time kids!!!!  Here's are some pics of the box and the boy. 

A Royal Mess

So, a neighbor is about to have a baby girl.  The grown up girls, AKA: the moms, get all excited over little frilly pink things so it was time to throw a neighborhood shower.  Me, the craft loving fool, was all excited to make a diaper cake and some favors.    I scoured Pinterest for the perfect favors and thought I had it down.  Shimmery Glass Slippers & Crown sugar cookies. YES!!  I bought the icing and the cookie cutters and went to work.  Stumbling over the little guy who decided that he should lay on the kitchen floor to play his game I dusted the kitchen island with flour and powdered sugar.  After a totally messy rolling and cutting production they went in the oven looking great.  Then it all went bad.  The crowns were puffing up, and quickly resembling fat 4 fingered Muppet hands.  The shoes looked like they belonged on a pair of cankles.  PINTEREST FAIL!!!  This is the stuff that stops people from ever - cooking - again.  It was THAT bad.  I ran to Michaels for a backup favor and came up with these cute lollipop favors.  The diaper cake, washcloth cupcakes and lollipop favors all fit perfectly into the fantastic shower and no one needed to know about the deformed Muppet claws that had been baking the night before...

The One Where I Decided to Start Blogging

I have been pondering this for a while.  You see I live in my own little world where I am hilariously witty and always having a grand old time with the trials and tribulations of my insane suburbia life.  (You should join me here it really is a trip.)  So I have decided to should write about all the back story to the perfect always on-top-of-it mom I play on Facebook.  A little humor, a little food & crafts, a lot of fun and sometimes a little TMI.  The question is will I stick to blogging long enough for anyone to ever stumble across it on the web?  The likely answer is no.  Stay tuned anyhow you just might get a giggle out of it.