Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Steps to turning the dreaded R.P.E.

This palatal expander just might kill me.  And it isn't even on ME.  Knowing in my head that it is separating the bone in the middle of the palate, well that just makes it sickening.  If you find yourself the parent of a child who is being tortured by one, here are the steps to turning it.
Step 1.  Get some wine, or xanax or maybe both... and calm the frick down because it is insanely difficult to turn when you are freaking out.
Step 2.  Have your child lay on something with their head back and if you can stand behind them.  Maybe install a professional dentist chair in your kitchen.
Step 3.  Find a way to make the child unconscious because the whining about you turning it and their fear is going to make this suck worse... (If you get this step down please let me know how)
Step 4.  Get real light! A bright lamp, maybe one of those coal mining head lamps would work, because the Eco Bulbs that are saving the energy are doing so because they suck donkey butt and don't actually light up the room.
Step 5.  Try not to gag or throw up on your kid's head when you find small pieces of food stuck in the darned thing.
Step 6.  Find the hole and turn it back... do not go only 3/4 of the way and then stab your kid in the lip accidentally trying to do it again.  Because I did that and it was not productive.
Step 7.  When you finally get it all the way back find a magical way to remove it so that you don't turn it back towards you just enough that now you cannot access the next hole or the old one without maybe coming in through the back of your child's head.
Step 8.  Send upset kid to bed, lock yourself in the bathroom and cry your darned eyes out. Then realize there are people with bigger problems or who have to do things like give their kids shots every day or live in a hospital.  Then cry some more because you feel like an ass.
Step 9. Call the orthodontist and tell them you will be in AGAIN in the morning because now you have no idea how to turn it tomorrow...
rinse& repeat in 24 hours.  Here... key up to 1:02 to watch this professional show you just how easy it isn't to do on a kid...  then imagine you are at home and the kid is yours.


  1. I am ashamed to say I laughed out loud at your comments today - best blog yet! I can't imagine how hard it has been for you guys to go through this, though, and I am praying each day gets better and better.

  2. Sarah, I hae actually donde this with Rosarinho a few months back for about 6 months or so and I don't remember it being that hard at all. We probably had some trouble the first two or three days but once you get the hang of it it's pretty easy and quick.
    The way you described it was hilarious though!

    1. I'm glad to know other countries use this too and we aren't the backwards U.S.A. :0)